The Same Voice

Parshas Ki Seitzei

Posted on August 19, 2021 (5781) By Rabbi Label Lam | Series: Dvar Torah| Level: Beginner

If a man has a wayward and rebellious son, who does not listen to his father or his mother, and they chasten him, and [he still] does not listen to them, his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his city, and to the gate of his place. And they shall say to the elders of his city, “This son of ours is wayward and rebellious; he does not listen to our voice; [he is] a glutton and a guzzler.” And all the men of his city shall pelt him to death with stones, and he shall die. So shall you clear out the evil from among you, and all Israel will listen and fear. (Devarim21:18-21)

 

To the under-initiated this all seems very archaic and brutal but we should know that the Talmud tells us that the preemptive execution of a wayward son never ever came to be and never will. The requirements are so narrow so as to make it almost impossible to carry out.

 

So, the giant question remains, “Why is there such a law?” An answer amongst many is: there valuable life lessons embedded therein.

Let’s look at one exemption briefly. The parents have to be able to declare that the child “did not listen to our voice”. The Talmud learns that from here we see that both parents have to speak with the same voice. It’s not likely that both have the same voice and so it’s an easy way out of the punishment option.

 

We learn from this a critical point in parenting. In order to establish that it is entirely the child’s fault and not the product of his upbringing, then both parents need to speak with the same voice. An ideal in raising children is that a child should not get a mixed message. The parents should harmoniously support one another and agree on policy.

 

In a series of classes titled, “The Ten Commandments of Parenting” I use a practical example, an everyday dynamic for parents and kids that may help us understand what happens when parents fail to agree with each other publicly. The second commandment for parents is to “have a unified front”. Don’t let anybody, not even kids weave their way in and be a wedge between parents.

 

Little Chaim comes running into the house after school. He waves quickly and casually “Hi!” to his father who’s planted there in his seat on the couch. Father stops Chaim and asks him where he’s off to in such a hurry. Chaim informs his father that he’s going to get his ball and his glove, his bat and his cleats and join the other guys out on the field.

 

Father shakes his head solemnly and reminds Chaim of their prior agreement. “Last night was your aunt’s wedding and you were up late. The deal was that tonight it would be homework, dinner and early bed!” Dad says firmly. Chaim slinks off deeply disappointed dragging his feet in protest and closing doors loudly. Five minutes later, though, that same sullen fellow goes running gleefully past his father in the other direction with all his baseball paraphernalia.

 

“Where are you going?” booms Father, amazed at the temerity of his little son. With a confident smile Chaim replies, “I asked Mom and she said it’s OK! as he scoots out. Chaim learned that the meaning of the word “NO”. from one parent is a signal to look for a softer opinion and to sharpen his manipulation skills. “NO” doesn’t mean “NO”. It means “negotiation time”. What’s so bad?!

 

There are 248 action commandments and 365 prohibitive commandments. That means that there are many more things that we ought not to do than we ought to do to perfect ourselves. Imagine you are sending your child away for a year in Israel or to summer camp. The night before you sit down and have that loving parental conversation. You have a list of “always” and “nevers” you want to impart. Which list is longer and more emphatic!?

 

The risk of not learning the power of “NO” from parents is that it leads to a greater danger. The child is not practiced in saying “NO” to himself. It takes up no time or mental energy to refrain from not doing a forbidden act, when “NO” is “NO!” When “NO” equals negotiation, then “NO” triggers thoughts that possess the whole of his being. For sure it can be learned later but it may have to be learned the hard way. It is clearly his problem to deal with but it’s not entirely his fault, if the parents are not speaking with the same voice.

 

A Measured Approach to Change

Parshas Ki Seitzei

Posted on September 9, 2022 (5782) By Mordechai Dixler | Series: Lifeline | Level: Beginner

Moshe (Moses) continues to enumerate in Ki Seitzei, this week’s Torah portion, the many Mitzvos (commandments) G-d gave to the Jewish people. This portion actually has the largest listing of Mitzvos of any weekly Torah reading — 74 in total.

 

Among these is the prohibition of doing business with, and even owning, faulty weights and scales. The prohibition to steal another’s property is well known (See Lev. 19:11), of course, and using inaccurate weights would seem to be just another form of stealing. However, when the Torah describes the specific prohibition of faulty weights, it goes out of its way to explicitly condemn the practice saying, “All who do these things are an abomination to G-d — all who do falsehood. (Deut. 25:16)” General theft, as severe as it is, does not carry this harsh condemnation. What is it about faulty weights that warrants this language?

 

To understand this, we should ask ourselves: how much money is stolen when a person uses a false weight? In order to fool customers he or she would only adjust the scales slightly, so as not to raise suspicion. One would probably offset the weight by no more than 10%. So if the person were selling apples for $1 per pound, but set the scale so that a “pound” was really only 9/10 of a pound, all they’ve pilfered is 10 cents per pound. Is 10 cents such a severe crime?

No, ten cents is not a huge act of theft—but that is only one purchase, of one pound of apples. After ten purchases, it’s a dollar. After a day, it’s well over $10. After a year, it’s thousands of dollars.

 

The crime of false weights and measures is so abominable because it is not simply the result of a one-time temptation. It takes obvious premeditation to alter the scales, and to decide, each and every day, to open up your shop with false weights, every sale a small act of theft. It is this unrepentant, ongoing engagement in crime that warrants the Torah’s severe condemnation.

 

We know that the reward for good deeds is greater than the punishment of bad ones. So if such is the condemnation of a persistent evil practice, one can imagine the effusive praise for one continually engaged in Mitzvos! It’s for this reason that when we seek to make positive changes in our life, its so important to undertake a small, repeating commitment. This is known in Jewish tradition as a “Kabola,” a pledge. To make real change in your life, commit to a positive practice, like giving money to charity, or offering a compliment to someone, and pledge to do it every day. I know a young man who gives 5 cents to charity every day. That’s not very much, but it requires forethought, and persistence, and it trains him every day to think about other people.

 

It’s a small investment, that adds up to not only $1000 over 50 years, but it ultimately changes his personality, and he is more likely to give of himself when called upon for greater sacrifice.

 

As Rosh Hashana approaches, we look to make lasting changes in our lives. Let’s avoid the end of the year rush and make a small daily pledge. It amounts to a daily decision to do a special Mitzvah, and the benefits that accrue will bring overwhelming rewards. (Based on Be’ar HaParsha, Rav Elimelech Biderman)