A Critical Difference

Parshas Kedoshim

Posted on May 8, 2024 (5784) By Rabbi Naftali Reich | Series: Legacy | Level: Beginner

Why do we cringe when our flaws and shortcomings are pointed out to us? Why do we find criticism such a bitter pill to swallow? Logic would seem to dictate the exact opposite. We all want to be the very best we can possibly be, to reach our full potential. Therefore, it is important that we know our flaws in order to correct them, and we should be happy to have them pointed out to us. Why then do we cringe? Why do we feel humiliated?

 

Furthermore, the Torah in this week’s portion commands us, “Do not hate your brother in your heart. Rebuke your friend, and do not bear sin upon him.” There seems to be a contradiction here. On the one hand, the Torah requires us to rebuke others. Yet the Sages tell us that “people who accuse others of shortcomings are themselves guilty of the same flaws,” clearly implying that we should refrain from offering rebuke.

 

The answer lies in a closer reading of the Torah’s commandment. “Rebuke your friend.” Make sure your rebuke is delivered in a spirit of friendship. “Do not bear sin upon him.” Separate the person from the sin. Rebuke the deed, not the person. People who judge and condemn, the Sages add, are generally guilty of the very crimes of which they accuse others. People who are righteous and free of guilt, however, offer constructive criticism in a spirit of friendship.

 

Criticism itself does not humiliate. After all, very few people consider themselves absolutely perfect. Rather, it is the manner in which the criticism is delivered that humiliates. Very often, unfortunately, it is delivered in a mean-spirited, malicious manner, whereby the critic demeans us in order to make himself appear “holier than thou.” It is a put-down, and we instinctively recoil.

 

Constructive criticism, however, delivered in a pure spirit of love and compassion, is always welcome. Indeed, it is one of the primary catalysts of personal growth.

 

In a certain district of Jerusalem, all the storekeepers agreed to close down their stores for Shabbos – except for one grocer. No matter how much pressure was brought on him, he refused to budge.

 

One Friday, one of the prominent Jerusalem sages dressed in his best Shabbos finery and entered the grocery store. He stationed himself on a chair in the back of the store and proceeded to stay there for the entire day, watching the busy hustle and bustle of the grocery shoppers. As evening drew near, the grocer approached the sage and asked, “Is everything all right, rabbi? Do you need anything? Is there anything I can do to help you?”

 

“No,” said the sage. “I have come here because I wanted to understand why you refuse to close your store on Shabbos. Now, it is clear to me. You have such a busy store that it would be a tremendous ordeal for you to close it, even for one day.”

The grocer burst into tears. “You are the first one to try to see it from my side,” he managed to say between sobs. “Everyone scolded and berated me, but before you, no one tried to understand me.” After that day, it did not take long before the grocer agreed to close his store on Shabbos. A few kind words had been effective where threats and invective had failed.

 

In our own lives, we often fell a need to criticize others. Before we do so, however, we should ask ourselves: Are we doing it for their good rather than our own? Are our motives pure and compassionate? If the answer is yes, and if we deliver the criticism in a kind and gentle manner, it will undoubtedly be effective. The difference is critical.

 

Text Copyright © 2008 by Rabbi Naftali Reich and Torah.org.

 

Who Made Ears to Hear

Parshas Acharei Mos Kedoshim

Posted on April 26, 2018 (5778) By Rabbi Label Lam | Series: Dvar Torah| Level: Beginner

“You shall not be a gossipmonger among your people, you shall not stand aside while your brother’s blood is shed – I am HASHEM!” (Vayikra-19:16)

 

I am HASHEM! – I am guaranteed to reward and reliable to exact payment. – (Rashi)

He Who implants the ear, does He not hear? (Tehillim-94:9)

 

Why are these three ideas seated next to each other? 1) Don’t be a gossiper- 2) Don’t stand by your brother’s blood (save his life) – 3) I am HASHEM!  Why is this verse crowned with the words, “I am HASHEM!” It is a rather uncommon phenomenon. It would be fitting that every verse and every Commandment should be punctuated with this powerful reminder that HASHEM is guaranteed to give a reward for obedience and a payback for neglect. Why is it most appropriate here!?

 

I once asked one of my Rebbeim why the Torah expressed the requirement to save a life as a “negative” commandment. It could easily have stated the obligation emphatically to save-save another’s life. Why does it say not to stand by your brother’s blood? That implies that one should not remain passive when the opportunity arises to save someone’s life?! Why not say it as action “to do”?

 

He told me that there is a huge practical difference. According to Hallacha, a person is only required to spend up to 1/5 of his monies to perform a positive Mitzvah. In order not to be in violation of a “don’t do” a person is required to forfeit his entire fortune.

 

If the cost of buying Tzitzis would be too high based on my financials, then I can be considered exempt from the need to purchase them.

 

However, if my boss demands that I speak Loshon Hora or I will lose my job, well then I am obligated to accept the pink slip rather than utter or accept a disparaging word about a fellow Jew.

 

Similarly, if the Torah had obligated me to save my brother’s blood by giving $1000 then I might call my accountant first to see if it is within my budget to get involved in this sacred activity.

 

Since it is expressed as a “don’t” then I must be ready to do whatever it takes to save this person regardless of the price. It’s worth meditating on the extremely high value of not violating a single commandment, as well as the premium placed on saving a life!

 

Now the Talmud states that one who speaks Loshon Hora is considered like he killed three people- himself, the listener, and the one spoken about. It’s a triple murder suicide. One cannot stand idly by while this destruction is unfolding. It must be halted immediately and at all costs.

 

Holding back a juicy tidbit of gossip is an aspect of not standing by your brother’s blood.  The mind arrests the mouth and preemptively thwarts the crime.

 

Admittedly, it is hard, very hard, but as the Mishne in Pirke Avos says, “according to the difficulty so is the reward.” It’s no wonder the Chofetz Chaim quotes the Vilna Gaon who references a Midrash that makes the following amazing promise, “For each and every moment that a person seals his mouth he merits a hidden light that even no angel or creature is capable of estimating.” AWESOME!

 

Perhaps that’s why this verse and a few like it conclude with the phrase that pays, “I am HASHEM!”  If one fails to help his fellow when he had a chance, who could know whether or not he turned a blind eye and walked on by?! Only HASHEM! Also, when one is ever so tempted to launch a destructive word and with great inner strength, he puts the breaks on Loshon Hora and holds himself back, the sound of that word that was never spoken is inaudible – undetectable to the human ear. It’s the sound of one hand clapping.

 

The only One Who could know what was not said, and measure the weight of the difficulty factor in doing so is the One Who made mouths to speak and Who made ears to hear.