Raising Perfect Children?

 

Posted on November 19, 2014 (5775) By Rabbi Berel Wein | Series: Rabbi Wein | Level: Beginner

 

Perfect parents do not always produce perfect children. This week’s parsha is a perfect illustration of this truism of life and family. There apparently was very little that Yitzchak and Rivka could do to reclaim Eisav to their way of life and level of morality. He was, perhaps, incapable of moral improvement the moment he was born.

There existed, and perhaps still exists, a great debate about whether genetic makeup or social and family environment determine a child’s personality and behavior patterns. But no matter how we judge this question, it still is perplexing, if not even unthinkable, that Yitzchak and Rivka parented Eisav and raised him in their holy home.

It is one of the Torah’s prime examples of the power of freedom of choice that children and all human beings possess. Parents naturally berate themselves over the bad behavior of   their children. Yet, in my admittedly limited experience, these parents are hardly ever to be blamed for the free- will wickedness of their offspring.

We ascribe too much power to parents in raising children. Of course family and  environment are important, but a child’s choices will trump all other factors and circumstances. And thus we have an Eisav emerging from the house and family of Yitzchak and Rivka.

The Torah’s message to us in this matter is direct and blunt – there are no guarantees or perfect successes in raising children. One could say that  though Avraham fathered  Yishmael, perhaps it was Hagar’s influence that formed him. But what can we say about the house of Yitzchak and Rivka that could produce an Eisav?

The Torah poses for us the unanswerable questions of life that we encounter daily. And it never truly provides us with satisfying answers. Such is the nature of life itself – its mystery, uncertainty and unpredictably. The great question as to why the righteous suffer and the evil person apparently prospers lies at the root of the struggle for belief and faith. And as we read in the book of Iyov, the Lord chooses, so to speak, not to answer that question.

The Torah does not explain to us how an Eisav can arise from the house of Yitzchak and Rivka. Apparently it is satisfied just to notify us that it occurred and, by inference, to teach us that other inexplicable things will occur throughout Jewish and human history.

Eisav, whether genetically or environmentally influenced, was a free agent – as we all are – to choose between good and evil, peace and violence, compassion and cruelty. These   choices were his and his alone to make. Somehow, Heaven also must have taken into  account the heartbreak of Yitzchak and Rivka over the behavior of Eisav. But that is  certainly secondary to the judgment regarding Eisav himself.

There is a tendency in our modern world to try and understand and sympathize with the  evil one at the expense of the good and decent victims of that evil. The Torah is not a fan of such misplaced compassion. Rivka makes the painful decision to abandon Eisav and save Yaakov. By so doing she ensures the civilization of the human race.

Shabat shalom Rabbi Berel Wein

 

A Healthy Transmission

 

Posted on November 28, 2018 (5780) By Torah.org | Series: Lifeline | Level: Beginner

The Torah spends a great deal of time discussing the life of our forefather Avraham, and that of Yaakov. By comparison, Yitzchak receives relatively short shrift.  The  offering of Yitzchak as a Korban, a sacrifice, is primarily told as a test of his father. It is Eliezer, his father’s servant, who goes out to find Yitzchak a wife. And though I have not done a formal count, I strongly suspect that

the Torah provides a longer account of Eliezer’s visit to the family of Besuel, Rivkah’s  father, than the total of all verses directly discussing Yitzchak. Yitzchak meets and marries his wife at the end of last week’s reading, and this week begins by discussing “Toldos” Yitzchak, meaning his children Yaakov and Esav.

Much of what we hear about Yitzchak sounds very familiar. He is forced to hide his wife’s identity, fearing for his life. That is precisely what happened to his father. We learn that Yitzchak goes back and digs the same wells that his father previously dug, which the Pelishtim had filled with dirt.

Even in appearance, Yitzchak was like his father. Rashi tells us, in his commentary to the  first verse of our reading, that the mockers of Avraham’s time said that it must be that    Sarah became pregnant from Avimelech, because she had been with Avraham for many  years and only became pregnant after being briefly taken by Avimelech. To prove    otherwise, G-d made Yitzchak look so profoundly similar to his father that no modern DNA test was needed to prove paternity.

So with all of the above, what is Yitzchak’s unique identity?

 

Our Rabbis teach that our forefathers were each paragons of a particular character trait. For Avraham, that was Chesed, kindness. He was so devoted to reaching out, to showing generosity to others, that he ran to welcome idolaters into his tent (or, angels that he believed to be idolaters) while suffering the worst day of recovery from his circumcision. Yaakov’s defining characteristic was Emes, truth, and thus the biggest tests for him were needing to mislead his father, and then deal with Lavan’s deceit.

Yitzchak’s characteristic was Gevurah, strength. How did he show that strength?

One answer is found in the very similarity to his father’s story, that we find above.   Yitzchak’s mission was to hold firm to the teachings of his father, and prove that his father, though a uniquely great individual, would not be a “one off,” an “aberration,” a “blip on the radar.”

We learn that Yaakov, when he ran from Esav, went to study with Noach’s son Shem and grandson Ever. Shem and Ever were great men, they knew Torah through prophecy, yet they were unable to transmit righteousness to their descendants. Yitzchak was able to take what he learned from Avraham, and give it to Yaakov. Yitzchak is the linchpin tying grandfather to grandson, creating the “threefold chain” which, our Sages teach, “is not  easily broken.

In last week’s reading, when Rivkah comes to Yitzchak, he marries her, and loves her, and   “is consoled after his mother.” Rashi tells us that during Sarah’s lifetime, she would light    the Shabbos candles, and they would continue burning until the eve of the following Shabbos. She would bake loaves, and they would be blessed. The cloud of the Divine Presence rested by the tent. When Sarah passed away, all of these three things stopped. But when Rivkah came to the tent, the blessings returned.

Yitzchak saw comfort, because he wanted that continuity. He wanted to see his wife  able to bring the same blessings as his mother brought, because he wanted to follow in the path of his father. He did not want to strike out on his own, to do something different. On the contrary, his very strength of character was shown in how carefully he hewed to the model set by his holy parents.

All of us, as Jews, come from those holy ancestors. We, like Yitzchak, must strive to continue, to hold fast to the patterns set by our holy forebears, to maintain that which we have, and to successfully transmit it to the next generation. May we be successful in doing so until the end of days.