No Two People are the Same
Finding a mate is no
simple matter. The rabbis characterized its difficulty as being on the scale of
splitting the Yam Suf. But finding that mate and building a successful and
satisfying marriage thereafter are two different tasks. From this week’s parsha
it is obvious that Yitzchok and Rivka are at cross purposes regarding the
treatment due to Eisav. Yitzchok is willing to give him almost everything in
order to attempt to save him from his own evil nature and negative course in
life.
Rivka feels that
Eisav is irredeemable and that the entire investment of parental energy should
be concentrated on Yaakov. Her policy of very tough love contradicts that of
Yitzchok towards Eisav. Thus she does not inform Yitzchak of her plans to grant
Yaakov the blessings by dressing him up as Eisav. She demands that Yaakov now
flee the country to escape Eisav’s wrath and death threats.
Yitzchak acquiesces
in her wishes though not from the same motives that impelled Rivka to send
Yaakov away. In short for much of the parsha Yitzchak and Rivka do not appear
to be on the same page as far as the future of their sons is concerned. This
naturally leads to complications and problems that will again reflect
themselves in the family of Yaakov and his wives and children.
The rift between
Yitzchak and Rivka is not discussed further in the Torah and even Midrash and
the commentators do not dwell on it. Yet it appears to be a major influence on
the lives of both Yaakov and Eisav and on the tortured relationship between the
two brothers.
The saga of
favoritism by parents regarding one of their children will be repeated by
Yaakov in the story of Yosef and his brothers. That dispute will haunt Jewish
life throughout its history. Everyone strives to achieve a
harmonious home and family. But the goal is an elusive one for many. Differing
circumstances, personal preferences, human error, and societal influences all
play a part in the problem of creating a harmonious and loving household.
That is what the
rabbis meant when they stated that Yaakov wanted to dwell in peace and serenity
– he wanted to achieve that household of goodness and peace. Instead, the
disaster of Yosef and his brothers impressed itself upon him and his family. A
great sage once said that life and especially family life can be likened to
ships that traverse the ocean. Each one fabricates its own wake but the wake
soon disappears and the next ship has to find its way across the ocean by
itself.
No two family situations are the same nor are two children in
the same family identical – even identical twins. The Torah informs us of the
difficulties inherent in family situations and differing personalities and
opinions. It offers no magic solution to these situations for there is no
one-size fits all that can be advanced. Wisdom, patience, good
will and common sense are the ingredients for family success and achievement.
Shabat shalom.
Rabbi Berel Wein
Removing the Shackles
As Yaakov (Jacob) approached his father
Yitzchak (Isaac) for the Divine blessings for material sustenance, he did so
dressed as his coarse twin, Esav (Esau). This scheme was undertaken in
accordance with the prophecy of his mother Rivka (Rebecca) that Yaakov – who
was already destined to receive the Divine blessings for the spiritual and
national providence promised to their grandfather, Avraham (see
Beraishis/Genesis 28:3-4) – would need this blessing, too, if he was to
survive.
“Yaakov said to his
father, ‘…Rise up, please, sit and eat of my game…’ and So Yaakov drew close to
Yitzchak his father who felt him and said, ‘The voice is Yaakov’s voice but the
hands are Esav’s hands.'” (27:19,22) Rashi explains that the voice recognition
was not an issue of insufficient disguise; rather it was an issue of verbiage.
Yaakov would request, “Father, rise up, please,” where Esav would say “Get up,
father!” (27:31)
But the Medrash Rabba
explains that the honoring of his father was of paramount import to Esav. This evil
son offered one hundred times more honor to Yitzchak than did the righteous
Second Temple era sage Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel to his father. Esav genuinely
felt compelled to wear his most formal wear when serving his father; Rabban
Shimon could have gone through the motions, attempting duplication of Esav’s
dedication, but it would have been an empty, meaningless act. If Esav’s
sensitivity to his father’s honor was so profound, his actions and his words
are most incongruous! How could he speak to Yitzchak in such a crass manner? It
is even more perplexing considering Esav’s objective of putting Yitzchak in the
proper frame of mind prior to offering his blessing!
Rabbi Alter Henach
Leibowitz (Rosh Yeshiva/Dean of Yeshiva Chofetz Chaim in Kew Gardens Hills, New
York) observes that one’s habits in speech are such an ingrained element of the
personality that they come to surface in all situations. Thus, no matter how
much honor Esav truly desired to bestow upon his father, his biting, chiding
tone came through. For speech is a manifestation of the soul, as Onkelos
(authoritative Aramaic interpretive translation by the Tannaic-era proselyte
Onkelos, c.90) translates Adam’s soul of “life” (2,7) as the power of
“[intelligent] speech”. Effecting genuine change in one’s speech demands an
overhaul of one’s core personality, no small feat.
Rabbi Leibowitz draws
the similarity to changing any one of our negative midos (character traits), a
challenge the great ethicist Rabbi Yisrael Salanter (1810-1883; founder and spiritual
father of the Mussar movement, a moral movement based on the study of
traditional ethical literature and development of techniques for spiritual and
character growth) called more difficult than learning through the entirety of
the Talmudic and Midrashic Oral Tradition. Not addressing these spiritual
shortcomings can be extremely self-defeating. Rabbi Leibowitz concludes that
Esav’s negative trait of cruelty was, to his detriment, the root cause of in
his selling his birthright to Yaakov. Nachmanides (R’ Moshe ben Nachman;
1194-1270; of Gerona, Spain; one of the leading Torah scholars of the Middle
Ages) explains that his own sense of cruelty turned on him and caused himself
harm by cruelly selling a birthright that he knew in his core essence to be most
valuable.
As we strive to develop
our “G-d consciousness”, to foster the growth of every Jew’s Divine spark and
bring our G-dliness to the fore, we need to realize that we cannot move forward
so long as we are shackled in place by bad character traits. Freedom is not the
ability to DO what you want; freedom is the ability to DETERMINE what is in
your best interest and ACT upon it. One who is “free” to react with jealousy,
hate, rage, haughtiness and a pursuit of desires may not be a slave to another human…but
is very much enslaved to himself. Only when we succeed in removing these
fetters will our Jewish selves truly be free to soar.
Have a Good Shabbos!
Raising Perfect Children?
Perfect parents do not
always produce perfect children. This week’s parsha is a perfect illustration
of this truism of life and family. There apparently was very little that
Yitzchak and Rivka could do to reclaim Eisav to their way of life and level of
morality. He was, perhaps, incapable of moral improvement the moment he was
born.
There existed, and
perhaps still exists, a great debate about whether genetic makeup or social and
family environment determine a child’s personality and behavior patterns. But
no matter how we judge this question, it still is perplexing, if not even
unthinkable, that Yitzchak and Rivka parented Eisav and raised him in their
holy home.
It is one of the
Torah’s prime examples of the power of freedom of choice that children and all
human beings possess. Parents naturally berate themselves over the bad behavior
of their children. Yet, in my admittedly limited experience, these parents are
hardly ever to be blamed for the free- will wickedness of their offspring.
We ascribe too much
power to parents in raising children. Of course family and environment are
important, but a child’s choices will trump all other factors and
circumstances. And thus we have an Eisav emerging from the house and family of
Yitzchak and Rivka.
The Torah’s message
to us in this matter is direct and blunt – there are no guarantees or perfect
successes in raising children. One could say that though Avraham fathered
Yishmael, perhaps it was Hagar’s influence that formed him. But what can we say
about the house of Yitzchak and Rivka that could produce an Eisav?
The Torah poses for us
the unanswerable questions of life that we encounter daily. And it never truly
provides us with satisfying answers. Such is the nature of life itself – its
mystery, uncertainty and unpredictably. The great question as to why the
righteous suffer and the evil person apparently prospers lies at the root of
the struggle for belief and faith. And as we read in the book of Iyov, the Lord
chooses, so to speak, not to answer that question.
The Torah does not
explain to us how an Eisav can arise from the house of Yitzchak and Rivka.
Apparently it is satisfied just to notify us that it occurred and, by
inference, to teach us that other inexplicable things will occur throughout
Jewish and human history.
Eisav, whether
genetically or environmentally influenced, was a free agent – as we all are –
to choose between good and evil, peace and violence, compassion and cruelty.
These choices were his and his alone to make. Somehow, Heaven also must have
taken into account the heartbreak of Yitzchak and Rivka over the behavior of
Eisav. But that is certainly secondary to the judgment regarding Eisav himself.
There is a tendency in
our modern world to try and understand and sympathize with the evil one at the
expense of the good and decent victims of that evil. The Torah is not a fan of
such misplaced compassion. Rivka makes the painful decision to abandon Eisav
and save Yaakov. By so doing she ensures the civilization of the human race.
Shabat shalom
Rabbi Berel Wein
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