Teachable Moments
Parshas Mishpatim
Do not offend a stranger (verbally) and do not oppress him
(financially) because you were strangers in the land of Egypt. (Shemos 22:20)
Because you were
strangers: If you hurt him with words he can say to you that you also come from
strangers. “Do not tease friend about a blemish that you- yourself possess!” A stranger
is someone who was not born in that country but rather came from a different
country to live there. (Rashi)
It sounds a little odd
that we should not put down a stranger is because the same thing could be said
about us! Is that a worthy reason? Don’t do it because it’s offensive! It’s
wrong! That’s all! Do we need a justification at all? Why then are we reminded
that we were strangers in Egypt as a reason not to speak hurtful words to a
stranger?
It could be that we
might even have a stronger subconscious tendency to look down on someone that
reminds us of our own weakness or vulnerability. Perhaps that’s what Rashi
means but maybe there’s another purpose to those words, “because you were
strangers in the land of Egypt.”
One of my boys, when he was in grade school, was being picked
on daily. We wanted badly to champion his cause but he refused to identify the
instigators. The administration and Rebbe were consulted. Attempts were made to
squelch it. Nothing changed. The poor kid came home in tears every day. We all
know the remedy. Kids who pick on others only do it when they sense that they
are getting a reaction. There’s a tendency to want to tell a child (or an
adult) “Don’t let them bother you!” Unfortunately it rarely works. If someone
tells you not to think about pink elephants suddenly they are dancing even more
in your head. He was in pain and we were frustrated. What were we to do?
With help from heaven I stumbled upon a practical approach. At
first I sat with my boy and asked him what they had been saying about him that
made him feel so tortured. The words bled out slowly, “dummy-head”, “cookoo”,
“stinky” and stuff like that. I wrote down each on a piece of paper and tried
to logically dispute the veracity of their claims. I soon realized though, that
I was talking to the head when it was the heart that hurt. Then in I put my
money where their mouths were and I gave him three dollars- one for each false
utterance. I now had his undivided attention. I asked him to please do me a
favor and write down each insulting phrase they say tomorrow and that I would
pay him a dollar for every one. I even gave him a special pad of paper and a
pen for the occasion.
Well, the next day he came home with a long face covered with
sadness. I was curious to see the paper. Empty! He reported that nobody teased
him today. It worked! Once they realized that not only was he not poised to be
hurt by their words and that he was happily awaiting them their thrill was
ended and so they ceased.
Now that it was finally over, I didn’t want to lose this
precious parental opportunity to crown the episode with a lasting lesson. This
was the teachable moment! I felt it necessary to tell my son the following
which he accepted with unusual depth and sensitivity, “Now that you know what
it feels like to be picked on you should make certain not to do it to anybody
else. If there is ever a kid who is different or isolated or is for whatever
odd reason a candidate for being picked on you should make it your business to
befriend or defend him. With that in mind, son, maybe this whole messy episode
will have been worthwhile!”
It could be that our struggles and even our most suffering
situations, just like being in Egypt, can be converted into super assets. How
so? In English there’s a difference between the words, “sympathy” and
“empathy”. “Sympathy” is a remote feeling of pity while “empathy” is a feeling
of identification with another’s pain. Maybe it’s a strategy to keep from
feeling superior to the stranger amongst us to consciously recall our
vulnerabilities and realize teachable
moments.
DvarTorah,
Copyright © 2007 by Rabbi Label Lam and Torah.org.
The Torah is a Book of Reality
Parshas Mishpatim
The Torah reading of
this week deals with the difficulties and pettiness of human life. I find this
to be extraordinary since only last week the Torah dealt with the exalted
principles and values system of holiness as represented by the Ten
Commandments.
It seems to be a
letdown to have to speak about oxen goring and people fighting, enslaving and
damaging one another when we were apparently just elevated to the status of
being a kingdom of priests and a holy nation.
The beginning point of
the education of many a Jewish child in Mishna and in Talmud is located in the
very prosaic laws of torts and damages discussed in this week’s Torah reading.
In effect the law book part of the Torah begins by showing us people at their
worst behavior and weakest moments. Would it not be more inspiring if the Torah
somehow began this detailed part of Jewish law with more inspiration and
spirituality?
Yet we are all aware
that the most studied volumes of the Talmud – the real meat and potatoes – are
those tractates that deal with many of the laws presented in this week’s Torah
reading. The rabbis in fact advised us to study these laws of torts and of
human failures, translated into negative actions and behavior, in order to
sharpen our brains and somehow make us wiser.
And most of the
study effort concerns itself with how to deal with the damage and hurt that has
already been done and very little time and effort, so to speak, with the moral
strength necessary to prevent these very damaging events from occurring.
The Torah is a book of
reality. It does not gloss over situations nor is it in the least bit
hagiographic (biography of a saint) in dealing with the main characters that
appear in its narrative. The perfect Torah speaks to a very imperfect world.
The Torah does not allow us to have illusions about how people will behave when
money, emotions, negligence and spite are present in society and in the lives
of people.
Slavery is wrong,
perhaps the greatest wrong, but it has been a fact of life in human history
till and including our time. Slavery breeds inequity and as we have witnessed
time and again ending slavery does not in any way end bigotry.
The Torah comes to
address the how and why of overcoming this inequity and of making slavery
subject to such rigorous legal restraints as to prompt the Talmud to say that
he who acquires a slave for himself in reality is acquiring a master for
himself.
People will be people, damages and hurts will occur and the
temptation of wealth and money will not disappear from the face of this earth.
Therefore we have to have a set of rules and an ability to deal with these
problems so that they do not completely consume us. The Torah, of necessity,
must propose a program of compensation to help the victims and restrain the
perpetrators. It is this recognition of human behavior that sets the Torah
apart from all other so-called spiritual and religious texts. These assume the
best of behavior and values. The Torah makes no such assumption. It is the book
of reality and the most holy of all works.
Shabat shalom
Rabbi Berel Wein
Taking A New Identity
“who took you out of
the land of Egypt “(20:2)
This week’s parsha
records the Decalogue. (10 Commandments) The first commandment, which is the
basis of all precepts, requires us to believe in the existence of Hashem.
Hashem identifies Himself as the One “who took you out of the land of Egypt”. The Ibn Ezra recounts a question which he
was asked by Rabbi Yehuda Halevi [1]: Why does Hashem define Himself as the G-d
who took us out of Egypt [2]? It seems that a more appropriate title for Hashem
would be “G-d, Creator of the Universe”. Defining Hashem as “Creator”
identifies Him as the One responsible for all existence, while, “the One who
took us out of Egypt” indicates that He is responsible for only one historical
incident.
Rashi, apparently
sensitive to this difficulty, comments “kedai hi hahotsa’ah shetihiyu
mishubadim li” – “Taking you out of Egypt is sufficient reason for you to be
subservient to Me [3].” Most commentaries interpret that Rashi is explaining
that we are obligated to be subservient to Hashem because He saved us from the
tyranny of Pharaoh. Citing the Midrash, Rashi offers a second explanation;
Hashem was identifying Himself at Sinai as the same power that took Bnei
Yisroel out of Egypt. When punishing the Egyptians Hashem appeared as a “man
of war”, while at Sinai He appeared as an “elderly man full of compassion”.
Hashem was dispelling the notion that there were two different deities. He
therefore stated at Sinai “I am the G-d who took you out of Egypt [4].” How
does compelling Bnei Yisroel to subjugate themselves to Him reflect the
compassion of an elderly man?
Bnei Yisroel left Egypt to begin a relationship with Hashem.
Rashi is not stating that the basis of our relationship with Hashem is that we
owe Him our allegiance because He saved us. Rather, Rashi is explaining that
the basis for every healthy relationship is each party’s concern for the
well-being of the other. Hashem’s taking us out of Egypt reflects His
compassion and care for the Jewish people, and it is therefore the cornerstone
of the relationship.. “Kedai hi hahotsa’a” means that it is fitting that this
act should be the basis for our serving Him, for He has shown His commitment
and concern for our well-being.
The relationship forged
at Sinai is described by our Sages as a marriage; by definition it must be
exclusionary. Stating that Hashem created the world does not indicate a unique
concern for the Jewish People alone. Therefore, it could not be the cornerstone
of the marriage. The exodus from Egypt, which was performed exclusively for us,
is the appropriate basis of our marital bond.
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