Raising Children and Good Mazal

Parshas Toldos

Posted on November 24, 2011 (5772) By Rabbi Berel Wein | Series: Rabbi Wein | Level: Beginner

 

The rabbis of the Talmud declared that children – having them, raising them and how they turn out – are dependent on a degree of mazal, good fortune and luck. In this week’s parsha, where the twins Yaakov and Eisav are described and contrasted, this cryptic statement is apparently relevant and pertinent. Both are products of the same parents, raised in the same home and apparently given the same type of education yet they turn out to be opposite personalities.

 

In fact, Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch sees in this the cause for Eisav’s evil behavior – Eisav who is a completely different personality than Yaakov should not have been given the same education as Yaakov. It was the inability to raise Eisav according to his own tendencies and needs that turned him into the alienated, rebellious and hateful person that he became.

The story of the twin sons of Yitzchak and Rivkah certainly illustrates the uncertainty associated in raising children no matter how pious the parents and how moral the home involved in raising them. It is this element of unplanned and unforeseen mazal that the rabbis of the Talmud are referring to.

 

This in no way absolves parents of their responsibilities and duties regarding the raising of their children. But, it does point out they have a will of their own and that there are no guarantees as to how they develop and what their beliefs and actions in later life will be.

 

In the nineteenth century entire generations and communities of Jewish children turned their backs to Torah life and traditional values. It was due, to a certain degree, to the obvious deficiencies present in Jewish life In Europe – poverty, governmental persecution, social discrimination and the apparent backwardness of the then Jewish society. But I feel that the major driving force of this secularization of Jewish society was the zeitgeist (social environment) – the prevailing spirit of the times that then was dominant in European society and life.

 

Perhaps one can say that this zeitgeist is itself the mazal that the rabbis spoke of. We are all products of the ideas and times in which we live – we are influenced by everything. Some, like Yaakov, are able to shut out much of the outside world by sitting in the tents of Torah for decades on end. Eisav, who did not have that ability to sit for years in the tents of study, though he certainly had that opportunity, was swept away by the zeitgeist of the Canaanites, of Yishmael and the allure of power and wealth.

 

Following the zeitgeist never excuses bad and immoral behavior in the eyes of Torah. But it does explain how such alienation and rebellion, hatred and prejudice is instilled into children who were raised by great parents and in solid homes and families. Since zeitgeist can never be completely eliminated from our home environments it behooves us to be aware of its presence and attempt to deal with it wisely and realistically. And for that to happen, we will all require a large helping of undiluted good mazal.

 

Shabat shalom,

Rabbi Berel Wein

 Healthy Competition

Parshas Toldos

Posted on November 28, 2019 (5780) By Rabbi Berel Wein | Series: Rabbi Wein | Level: Beginner

 

Sibling rivalry is the name of the game. In fact, the entire book of Bereishis can be described as a narrative of sibling rivalry. We have Kayin and Hevel, Avraham and his nephew Lot, Yishmael and Yitzchak, Yaakov and Eisav and Yosef and his brothers. It is as though the Torah wishes to inform and impress upon us the true nature of human beings.

 

I often think that that is what is meant when the Torah said that the nature of human beings is bad from its onset. We are by nature competitive creatures and the competition always begins at home and with those who are closest to us. We should not think of our children as being angelic but rather deal with their true nature and recognize the pitfalls that natural sibling rivalry will always engender.

 

Every child is a different world and no two – even identical twins – are the same. Because of this fact of human nature, competitiveness is built into the structure of all children. It is the task of education and the home to channel this competitiveness into positive behavior and creative goals. This is what the Rabbis meant by their statement that the competitiveness between scholars and wise men is a method for increasing wisdom and understanding generally. Without competitiveness there can be very little creativity or advancement in all forms of life – technology, healthcare, finance, politics and human nature. The task is to direct this competitiveness towards positive aims and to limit it so that it does not descend into violence and tyranny.

 

Part of the problem with Eisav is not competitiveness but rather insecurity. He always feels his younger brother tugging at his heel and preventing him from achieving the greatness that he feels is his due. Because of this insecurity, he seeks fame and fortune in opposing the ideas and lifestyle of his own very family. He scorns his birthright because he feels that fulfilling its demands will only inhibit him. He feels that only by being different than Yaakov can he achieve permanent respect. As all his plans crumble, he cries out in anguish to his father that he wants the blessings that Yaakov has received. He realizes that only in those blessings, which he will have to share always with Yaakov, can his destiny truly be fulfilled.

 

This is what Yaakov himself tells Eisav at their last meeting, which we will read about in a few weeks. Eventually Yaakov will come to the mountain of Eisav and then Eisav will be redeemed by his acceptance of Yaakov and of the moral values and tradition of his family. Throughout the books of Tanach, we find this constant struggle of insecurity versus acceptance and competitiveness versus conformity. We are uncomfortable when we see people who are different than we are. But the only way to achieve personal greatness is by realizing that our own inner security need not be weakened by competitiveness with others.

 

Shabbat Shalom
Rabbi Berel Wein

 Entirely Up to Us

Parshas Toldos

Posted on November 28, 2019 (5780) By Rabbi Label Lam | Series: Dvar Torah | Level: Beginner

 

And the children struggled within her, and she said, “If so, why is this to Me?” And she went to inquire of HASHEM. (Breishis 25:19)

 

And the children struggled within her: When she passed by the entrances of Torah academies of Shem and Eber, Jacob would run and struggle to come out; when she passed the entrance of a temple of idolatry, Essav would run and struggle to come out. Another explanation: They were struggling with each other and quarreling about the inheritance of the two worlds. – Rashi

One could easily argue that Essav was placed in a disadvantageous position in life. He had a prenatal disposition for idolatry. Later he was born ruddy, an indication that his tendency was to spill blood. The poor guy! Why in the world should he be judged and titled as a Rasha- Wicked!? This was who and what he was! This was not the result of his free willed choosing.

 

Then on the other end of the spectrum the same question can be asked. How can Yaakov be crowned a Tzadik? He too had a prenatal disposition, but his innate drive was to learn Torah. So how can he be rewarded as a Tzadik? It wasn’t his doing! He was born intrinsically excellent.

This question I presented to Rabbi Ezriel Tauber ztl. many years ago. He explained as follows. There are two general ingredients that make a person into what he is. One is nature and the other is nurture. Sometimes a person is born with difficult nature but he has to counter balance that a warm and loving nurturing environment. Sometimes a person with a very good nature has a rugged and challenging environment.

 

Now we can look at Essav. Although he naturally had terrible tendencies, look at the quality of people that surrounded him. His grandfather was Avraham Avinu. If we could see Avraham Avinu for one split second, our lives would never be the same. Take any 100 Rebbes and put them together and then multiply their holiness times 1 million and maybe – maybe we have a sense of who he might have been. Then he had a father Yitzchak Avinu and a brother Yaakov Avinu. His mother was one of the 4 great Imahos- Matriarchs that we bless our daughters to be like every Friday Night. He grew in the midst of the greatest of the greatest people that have ever walked on the planet. Yet his heart remained cold and distant.

 

The Talmud declares, “One who is greater than his friend, has a bigger Yetzer Hara –negative inclination.” Great people are not born great. They often have to struggle to overcome some overpowering negativity. In the process they not only achieve goodness but the rise to greatness. A friend told me recently that someone took a handwriting sample of Reb Chaim Kanievsky Shlita to a handwriting expert to be analyzed. The expert said, “I don’t know too much about this person but I can tell you one thing, he can’t sit still for a moment and he has no power of concentration!”

 

The person who brought the sample was astonished. Nothing could be further from the truth. Reb Chaim learns the entire Torah every year and when there’s a leap year, an extra month, he writes a Sefer. Probably, no one on the planet has proven to have greater power of concentration than Reb Chaim Kanievsky, the greatest Talmud scholar alive today. This man later gave a ride to Reb Chaim and he reported to him the surprising findings of the handwriting expert. Reb Chaim was not surprised. He told him, ”This is my nature but I changed it!”

 

What was Yaakov’s great merit, that he deserved to titled Tzadik? Look at who he had as a near neighbor, a twin brother, Essav, one of the most charismatic fakers of all time. His accomplishment was to remain uninfluenced. Life is dense with advantages and disadvantages.

 

What we become is entirely up to us!

 

Healthy Competition

Parshas Toldos

Posted on November 28, 2019 (5780) By Rabbi Berel Wein | Series: Rabbi Wein | Level: Beginner

 

Sibling rivalry is the name of the game. In fact, the entire book of Bereishis can be described as a narrative of sibling rivalry. We have Kayin and Hevel, Avraham and his nephew Lot, Yishmael and Yitzchak, Yaakov and Eisav and Yosef and his brothers. It is as though the Torah wishes to inform and impress upon us the true nature of human beings.

 

I often think that that is what is meant when the Torah said that the nature of human beings is bad from its onset. We are by nature competitive creatures and the competition always begins at home and with those who are closest to us. We should not think of our children as being angelic but rather deal with their true nature and recognize the pitfalls that natural sibling rivalry will always engender.

 

Every child is a different world and no two – even identical twins – are the same. Because of this fact of human nature, competitiveness is built into the structure of all children. It is the task of education and the home to channel this competitiveness into positive behavior and creative goals. This is what the Rabbis meant by their statement that the competitiveness between scholars and wise men is a method for increasing wisdom and understanding generally. Without competitiveness there can be very little creativity or advancement in all forms of life – technology, healthcare, finance, politics and human nature. The task is to direct this competitiveness towards positive aims and to limit it so that it does not descend into violence and tyranny.

 

Part of the problem with Eisav is not competitiveness but rather insecurity. He always feels his younger brother tugging at his heel and preventing him from achieving the greatness that he feels is his due. Because of this insecurity, he seeks fame and fortune in opposing the ideas and lifestyle of his own very family. He scorns his birthright because he feels that fulfilling its demands will only inhibit him. He feels that only by being different than Yaakov can he achieve permanent respect. As all his plans crumble, he cries out in anguish to his father that he wants the blessings that Yaakov has received. He realizes that only in those blessings, which he will have to share always with Yaakov, can his destiny truly be fulfilled.

 

This is what Yaakov himself tells Eisav at their last meeting, which we will read about in a few weeks. Eventually Yaakov will come to the mountain of Eisav and then Eisav will be redeemed by his acceptance of Yaakov and of the moral values and tradition of his family. Throughout the books of Tanach, we find this constant struggle of insecurity versus acceptance and competitiveness versus conformity. We are uncomfortable when we see people who are different than we are. But the only way to achieve personal greatness is by realizing that our own inner security need not be weakened by competitiveness with others.

 

Shabbat Shalom
Rabbi Berel Wein